i dunno what i’m doing
June 23, 2016
Everything in my world. Everyone around me. Everything has changed and evolved. But not I. I’ve somehow managed to stay the same. To stay stuck. By now I should have adapted to the way things are now but I’m so comfortable. It needs to stop. I just don’t forsee that coming about without a drastic event happening.
Unfortunately it seems I enjoy falling on my face way too much to change. I just don’t feel like it’s been a productive day unless I’ve had my heart crushed and my nuts kicked in.
this just in
June 1, 2016
I don’t think anyone has the ability to burn bridges like I do.
picture my heart
May 25, 2016
Sunday night I started feeling weird. My left arm was numb and my hand was tingly. My arm was also cold, like standing in a freezer without a jacket kind of cold. But just my arm. There was a tightness in my chest. At first I thought maybe I just laid on my arm or something and it was asleep. After a couple of hours I finally went to the ER. Was there about 5 hours, got discharged about 2:50AM (which sucked because I went to work a few hours later). They did a couple EKG’s, a chest X-ray and gave me a med of some sort. I think it was a painkiller.. not sure to be honest. The Dr on duty didn’t think it was heart-related but because there is multiple members of my family with a history of heart problems, she wanted me to follow up with a Cardiologist.
Over Monday and Tuesday my arm has felt a little numb, but nothing like it did on Sunday night. My grip feels a lot weaker than it was. While I’m not feeling any numbness or tingly sensations, my arm feels weird. I don’t know how to describe it. Like dead weight. It has an overall dull pain to it, but it doesn’t feel like pain. It’s just fucking weird. I feel like a couple of my fingers don’t work. Which trying to type this post is difficult compared to past typing “stuff”.
Today I had the follow up with the Cardiologist. I like him, he’s a great doctor. I went to the same practice that my mom has been going to since her stroke in 2005. I explain everything to him and he’s sending me to get a 64 slice CT scan. Not sure what that is exactly, but it sounds serious.
I dunno. I hope everything is ok. But a small part of is preparing for whatever news could come. At any rate I just want to feel back to normal. Right now I feel tightness in my chest, a dull constant pain in my chest. My left arm feels weak. Like a partial loss of motor skills. Maybe a partial paralysis would be a better description.
Normally my anxiety would kick in and I’d dwell and pace over this. But I have to take Addy to get lab work done, in the morning. 8 yr old on the Spectrum + Needles ≠ Fun for William. So I should probably get as much sleep as I can.
the war inside
May 20, 2016
So, new layout. Originally wasn’t going to go with this color scheme. But then I found this image from many moons ago. I never did anything with it. It’s from shortly after the end of my relationship with Juliet. Not that anyone reading this will understand just how old that is.
Anyways, I have to be up early for work tomorrow. Then Nich’s bday party on Sunday (even though his birthday was on the 16th).
my happy place
May 1, 2015
It starts at the redlight just before the interstate on ramp. I settle low into my seat, turn on my ipod and wait for green. As soon as my color comes up I touch heaven. The speakers pump out Tupac then Linkin Park. Marilyn Manson plays and bleeds into Adema and Skillet right after. All while I scan the road for any open lane and let the needle hover around 95 on the dash. It’s the only time I feel peaceful and content. It’s the only time I’ve ever felt like that. Ever since I could get behind a steering wheel. No matter how tired I have ever been or what mood I was in… driving fast has always intoxicated me, hoisted me into a feeling of calmness. All my senses reach their peak. The world dulls into a blurred background and my windshield turns into an Imax screen. I’m well-aware of my enviroment. I see the mini-van where the dad is yelling at his kids and drifting into the next lane. I see the guy in the suit talking on the phone. The lady that can barely see over the steering wheel. The suped up civic that thinks he is going to pass me. And yes, the state trooper sitting about 100 yards up in the “do not u-turn” opening that cops like to sit in to catch driver’s just like me. I’m filled with clarity and solutions to my momentary problems show themselves.
I’m sure there is just a mob of people seething and ready to jump and lash out about speeding/laws/accidents/my *insert person here* died because of someone like you/etc, but I don’t care. I’m a firm, faithful subscriber to things happen for a reason and life is predetermined. And if you’re not, not really my problem. Maybe those people should just stay the fuck out of the left lane a.k.a. The PASSING Lane. Not the “I’m just going to drive in it because I like being in the left lane”.